I’m so fucking tired man. The kind of tired that not matter how long I sleep it won’t go away. I feel like I’m stuck in a hole that doesn’t seem to have a way out. No one’s up there who can help me and I’m just stuck down here clawing my way up to no success. Everything I expected myself to be when I was younger seems so far from reality. My younger self would be so disappointed at what I’ve become. The thing with expectations is when you start high, any kind of low seems disappointing. And I’m there. I’m at the ‘any kind of low’ but this is probably the worst low I’ve ever been in. The only thing satisfying about my life right now is coming home. When will this end?
What a shitty day. Everyday just gets shittier and shittier so far. And it’s only just begun. Fuck.
Backs by Gwen Yip. Acrylic on canvas. 2010-2014.
We all carry things on our backs.
Some shoulder burdens and regrets and
others carry dreams and hopes.
Some scarcely bear them and
others delightedly bring them wherever they go.
What do you carry on your back?
Born and raised in Hong Kong, Gwen Yip is an artist who has lived and worked in Shanghai, Amsterdam and London before settling in Brooklyn. She paints the faces of those she knows and the backs of those she doesn’t. Backs is a series of paintings of strangers in London, Hong Kong and New York. The empty space and blurriness of identity in her paintings depict loneliness and isolation in city life.
Images courtesy of Gwen Yip
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Over the month of December, I’ve contemplated a lot about my life. A lot. One thing I’ve realized is that I’m not really passionate at anything enough to make myself believe that I could do it for the rest of my life. I could settle for anything as long as I’m living. I can be passionate at things. When there’s something I find interesting I become passionate at that. But it’s never enough for me to think I’d make it my whole life. I guess that’s where I’m at a disadvantage.
Everyone around me seems to have their shit together and set on doing something where they believe it will be the career of a lifetime. I feel a lot of pressure to live that way, because that’s what’s normal and that’s how you settle down as an adult. But what I want isn’t that. I can’t imagine myself doing one thing for the rest of my life. I have too many ambitions to settle for just doing one thing. As for money, I could honestly just do whatever could give me income. I just want to live a simple life. Earn enough money to live somewhere, eat food, and just live a bit. I don’t need a lot. I wish life was that easy.
